To Recover or Not to Recover...

I went to a psychiatrist yesterday & spilled my guts. He seemed nice but I hate how I feel after telling someone my secrets. I'm normally tight lipped when it comes to myself & don't share my inner demons w many ppl. But I just went in there knowing I had to tell him everything. I felt crazy & hearing the words come out of my mouth sounded even crazier. It was like opening the flood gates, once I opened them I just kept talking & talking. The worse part is he's monitoring my weight & it completely terrifies me to get weighed in front of someone. I felt like I was going to throw up when he told me to step on. I kept thinking "I have to do this for Isaiah (my son)" & stepped on. Then I had to get blood drawn to check my electrolytes, liver & kidney functions etc...
Also I have to go see a therapist. Finally started back on meds in order to curb my anxiety & stabilize. I know I need to work on recovery but I'm still not 100% ready to change. I've been dealing with this for over 10yrs & I'm afraid of losing a part of myself. I'm afraid that when I change my whole life will change. I'm afraid of being healthy...

brave new girl

I always thought by now I would have this all figured out. Its sad to think I've been fighting the same demons for well over 10yrs. This last year has been a rough one in terms of my eating issues. I feel myself spiraling down the same familiar path & in a weird almost twisted way its comforting. I see myself starting to pull away from my friends & family because I just want nothing more than to be alone. My thoughts consume me. I want to be perfect. The only person I open up to is my boyfriend & he's convinced me to go and talk with someone. I know he wants me get better & be happy but I don't want to give up my way of life. I want to count calories, not eat for days & exercise for hours on end. The only reason I agreed to go was because I see my habits rubbing off on my four year old son. The other day he refused to eat lunch & said it was because he was on a "diet" My heart broke & it hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't want him to go through all the things I do when it comes to food. I need to be brave, I need to get better & I need to be the strong, healthy & happy mom he needs me to be, but deep down I'm really scared....