brave new girl

I always thought by now I would have this all figured out. Its sad to think I've been fighting the same demons for well over 10yrs. This last year has been a rough one in terms of my eating issues. I feel myself spiraling down the same familiar path & in a weird almost twisted way its comforting. I see myself starting to pull away from my friends & family because I just want nothing more than to be alone. My thoughts consume me. I want to be perfect. The only person I open up to is my boyfriend & he's convinced me to go and talk with someone. I know he wants me get better & be happy but I don't want to give up my way of life. I want to count calories, not eat for days & exercise for hours on end. The only reason I agreed to go was because I see my habits rubbing off on my four year old son. The other day he refused to eat lunch & said it was because he was on a "diet" My heart broke & it hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't want him to go through all the things I do when it comes to food. I need to be brave, I need to get better & I need to be the strong, healthy & happy mom he needs me to be, but deep down I'm really scared....