I went to a psychiatrist yesterday & spilled my guts. He seemed nice but I hate how I feel after telling someone my secrets. I'm normally tight lipped when it comes to myself & don't share my inner demons w many ppl. But I just went in there knowing I had to tell him everything. I felt crazy & hearing the words come out of my mouth sounded even crazier. It was like opening the flood gates, once I opened them I just kept talking & talking. The worse part is he's monitoring my weight & it completely terrifies me to get weighed in front of someone. I felt like I was going to throw up when he told me to step on. I kept thinking "I have to do this for Isaiah (my son)" & stepped on. Then I had to get blood drawn to check my electrolytes, liver & kidney functions etc...
Also I have to go see a therapist. Finally started back on meds in order to curb my anxiety & stabilize. I know I need to work on recovery but I'm still not 100% ready to change. I've been dealing with this for over 10yrs & I'm afraid of losing a part of myself. I'm afraid that when I change my whole life will change. I'm afraid of being healthy...
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